You be phone dealer wey dae use kpako phone? (Check-point gone wrong)
I think there are two major experiences that are peculiar to an average Nigerian travelling by road— an awkward interrogation at a police check point and irregular traffic jams especially for those in Lagos.
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I don't stay in Lagos but unfortunately, I have experienced both.
I was travelling from Eket to Uyo and we had barely travelled for thirty minutes when we approached a check-point. The driver slowed down and finally came to a halt.
As usual, everyone expected the regular questions often directed to the driver, "Wia your license?", "Wia you dae go?"
So we waited patiently for the usual but after he asked for the license, the officer asked the two passengers in front to alight— they had both been sharing one seat, which was normal considering the kind of transport means.
I was seated in the back with my friend, I'll call her Velvet for the sake of this story. Velvet and I had been classmates in secondary school nine years ago and it just so happened that we were both travelling together. Velvet is beautiful, and she sat right next to me, also because the driver had to make four passengers occupy three seats (like I said, it's normal).
After the passengers in front stepped out, the officer walked to the backdoor and pulled it open forcefully, then stared at me, "Kai... So na you dae enjoy this fine girl for back?" I thought he was just being funny, so I blushed it off.
But he asked Velvet and I to alight too, and we did.
"Wia are you from?", he asked, Velvet and I took turns to answer. He asked if we were students and we affirmed. He asked of our universities, we answered.
Then the series of awkward and annoying questions started, "so na you dae run this girl matter?"
"sir?", honestly I felt disgusted by the question but he was on uniform, so I answered politely, "I don't know what you're talking about Sir, she's my friend, a very close friend."
He went further, "you never graduate you done dae find woman, you sure say you go fit concentrate when this fine girl dae your side?"
For few seconds, I wondered what on earth had the driver's license got to do with the girl I was travelling with, the fact that she was beautiful, sitting next to me, and how it concerned this officer.
He turned his attention to another passenger who was on dreadlocks, I just knew the guy was in for more awkward questions. He had full grown sidebeards and lovely dreadlocks, or at least I thought the locks were lovely, to the officer, the locks made the guy a new target for interrogation.
"What do you do for a living?", the officer asked him.
"I dae sell phone sir. I be phone dealer.", the guy replied. The officer searched his pocket, and pulled out a small battered-looking phone.
"You be phone dealer but you dae use kpako phone? You're a suspect, I don see una type before"
I chuckled, but at the time, the passengers were already getting pissed so I had to stop myself from laughing out loud.
"Go meet that man, report yourself", the officer pointed to another officer.
"Why do I find this funny?", Velvet muttered, but I heard her. I guess the officer did too.
And just then, the officer returned to face me, "open your bag..."
"Sir the zip is bad...", actually it took me hours to work the zip that morning.
He then turned to Velvet, "why you dae follow this boy, him no get money..."
Velvet gave him a look that said, "How is that your business?"
Long story short, the dread guy returned but the officer was still not satisfied and sent him back for another round of searching.
The dread guy returned the second time, then the officer asked us to get into the car and continue our trip.
I was heading to the door when he turned to me particularly and asked again, "so na you dae run this girl... this boy, you no be good boy."
I didn't smile, and I didn't look his way again. I simply got into the car, and shut the door.
The driver turned on the car and we drove off, I made a mental note to write about my experience with him...
Though while we sped away, I couldn't help but wonder too, "why will a phone dealer be using a small witchcraft-looking phone with no back cover?"
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